Humor Me

The Humor Me blog is moving

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 06:59:45 -0600

This blog is moving to a new home. Actually, it has already moved, but the archives will be up for a while.

You can find the new Humor Me blog at www.mattwixon.com.

You can still e-mail me at mwixon@dallasnews.com.

Another machete attack

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 11:16:56 -0600

Over the last year, I've noticed a tremendous uptick in the use of machetes as weapons. Very, very interesting choice of weapon, I think. They're not just for the movies anymore.

But what are the kinds of things that can drive someone to attack someone with a machete? What can drive a person to attack a friend with a machete?

Fortunately, it's a very rare situation. Such as a case of Bud Ice.

Is she wearing high heels or skates?

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 10:05:41 -0600

A model walking on the runway falls down. I've seen it several times, and I always think it's funny. I think it's just because they walk with so much attitude, and they lose all of that when they stumble.

So I always laugh when I see it. But this is one of the funniest I've seen, mainly because she works so hard to fight the fall the second time she's about to lose it.

Maybe the pilot was just resting his eyes

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 09:04:01 -0600

This is your pilot speaking. We've reached our cruising altitude, so sit back and relax. I plan to, along with my co-pilot.

By the way, does anyone have an alarm clock?

How are the expletives this evening?

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 12:34:44 -0600

The next time you go to a restaurant, check your receipt closely. If you've been charged for expletives, you should definitely speak up.

At least for these people, it was free.

Some art is just bananas

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 10:57:08 -0600

I'm probably not as into art as some people, and I admit I don't know that much about it.

Maybe that's why I don't appreciate the artistic genius of stacking 7,200 bananas against a wall.

Seems like a waste to me. Unless they are donated for smoothies at the nude juice bar.

Nude juice bar streaking toward business

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 10:04:05 -0600

Cozad and Dawson County officials are looking for ways to keep a nude juice bar from opening just outside Cozad’s jurisdiction.

A nude juice bar? Is there really a demand for that?

I guess you just walk in, throw off your trenchcoat and order a smoothie. Great quote from the story:

“Once we’re here for a while I think people will realize that we can run a clean operation."

I should hope so. If you're going to be nude, you want the place to be clean.

The 30-day sex challenge

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 08:49:39 -0600

Do you know where YBor City is in Florida?

It's where guys are listening to one pastor's message more intently these days. The one about the 30-day sex challenge.

Blu-ray and BluBlockers

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 13:30:27 -0600

Toshiba said Tuesday it will no longer develop, make or market HD DVD players and recorders, handing a victory to rival Blu-ray disc technology in the format battle for next-generation video.

So the future is Blu-ray. It's a pretty dramatic announcement, but probably not as dramatic as the commercial below. Anyone know how Blu-ray looks while wearing a pair of BluBlockers?

Tuning out the conversation

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 12:38:23 -0600

My 5-year-old son, Ryan, was talking to me earlier today while I was trying to get my 2-year-old son ready for a car ride, let the dog outside and take care of other things around the house. I tuned out for a while and then heard him say this:

"So I had the robot with the telescope, but the pig didn't have a tail."

He actually said it like it was a question, and then he waited for me to answer. Uh ...

It turns out it had something to do with putting together a puzzle. I said to him, Oh ... I don't know. Explain it to me again."

Fortunately, you can fake that you've been listening after you tune out a conversation with a kid. Not so easy with your wife.

Or so I've heard. I've never done that.

Tumbleweed's the name, and don't ask why

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 09:58:47 -0600

Remember the little boy who was thrown 500 feet into a field by a tornado?

He's now going by the nickname "Tumbleweed."

I'm not sure this is a good idea. His mother was killed when the tornado hit, and now he's been given a nickname that will have to be explained his whole life.

Hey, how did you get the name Tumbleweed?

What fun to explain.

Danger, do not use this door

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 08:40:07 -0600

Just so you know, there is a post office out there with a broken door that you should not use.

Hopefully, before causing harm to yourself, you will notice the subtle warning.

Kirstie Alley and her maintenance baton

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 10:52:30 -0600

A small piece of entertainment news: Kirstie Alley is no longer a spokeswoman for Jenny Craig weight-loss centers. I know, big whoop. The interesting part, I think, is the quote from a representative for Jenny Craig:

"Now that Kirstie has 'passed her maintenance baton' to Valerie [Bertinelli,], you'll see a new campaign with a new celebrity client emerge."

Maintenance baton ... what a great description. Kind of sounds like something to knock yourself around with when you get a craving for ice cream.

I wonder if it's available in a meal-replacement shake.

Swimming rule to live by: No drowning

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 09:48:39 -0600

And if you don't follow the rules posted on the pool ...

It will be the last time you ever swim here.

Bacon, lettuce and tomato candles

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 09:02:01 -0600

Nothing sets the romantic mood like candles. I don't really agree with that, but I've seen that idea posted at a store that only sells candles. And maybe some people think it's true, because something is keeping the candles-only shop in business.

Personally, I can't even stay in the shop for long. The scent is so overpowering, I feel like I'm going to cough up a bag of potpourri. But with a limited product line, candle shops do have some innovative products.

Such as the Bacon-Lettuce-and-Tomato scented votive candles.

"You may want to light them in your kitchen, office or bedroom or wherever you seek sensual pleasure and enlightenment."

Ah yes, the sensual pleasure and enlightenment of bacon, lettuce and tomato.